*30 YEARS OF SILENCE! BUT NOO MORE!*
Jan 4, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NvjXhqRCAo

good morning welcome to Thursday yes you
guys were coaching us in the car
once again we love our car we might as
well just put an address on our car and
make it official
I promise we really do not stay in our
car all the time but it's an easy place
to start my vlogs
especially when it's crazy in the
mornings like today it's just easier to
wait until I have a few seconds to
gather my thoughts and be able to say
good morning we are on our way we have
to go buy all these Glatt really quick
and then we have to oh I have to go and
pick something up from a friend of mine
and I have to take back some cups to
target because unfortunately when I
bought them which is really a bummer
don't rip it open just like untie it
give me the point when I got home like I
didn't even think to look at it but once
I got home I noticed so here's the cop
it's like a little tumbler so key it has
got like glitter in it so adorable
look the boy you can't see it cuz I
think the whole bottom of it is cracked
like not to come up with the stupid
straw so I am Mike I'm gonna take that
back ensue
and so I told Oh Leo's like I need to go
buy Jurgen to take them back because I
want to make it a set because I got a
black one in a people in a crane that
they have more of the mocking pink
because I want to make those for fun
Valentine sets for people what else I
did not get a chance so far to do my
Facebook thing but by the time you guys
see this I should I'm not doing much
finally work tonight or today I just
I've got a lot of running around to do I
am working on one project that I'm
trying to get out to somebody like ASAP
and then I'm you know if people have
orders and stuff you guys get them in
I'm totally cool if you guys have
Valentine's stuff and it's probably good
to start now if you have like certain
shirts that you want made or tumblers or
anything but I am also making stuff too
that you guys can purchase ahead of time
or I'm making things that you can add
personalizations so I'm doing that and
then well I I know I want to also work
on cleaning my house today because it
needs a good old scrubbing it has been
neglected for the last probably week
like really good scrub so I am going to
do a deep scrub this afternoon that's
why I said I don't think I'm gonna do
when you finally today other than what I
have going already
from Costco I didn't know blues half
we're at Costco but maybe we can make
something happen okay okay we'll see
okay yeah sure thing it is looking like
it's getting really dark here it started
out really pretty it's 54 right now it's
I mean it feels great and I'm not cold
or anything you want your bubble night
it feels great I don't have the heater
on I just had I just turned my button
here and turned over our minds but
heater on so it's been nice but now all
of a sudden is like shouting up and get
like dark scary movie time we had time
to sit and watch that has anybody
watched the movie in bird box on Netflix
I am I have heard so much about it I've
heard good and I've heard bad
hi y'all y'all I don't know I haven't
sat down so like even review it like
watch the trailer on it but I am like I
said I have heard so much about it that
I really I think I want to watch it but
tell me what you guys if you've seen it
don't do a spoiler but if you've seen it
is it good like is it something we're
sitting and watching or is it probably a
waste of my time watch something
different and if you guys have any ideas
of different things to watch me and all
your kind of at our low show like most
of our shows just have all ended our
seasons and we're waiting for stuff to
come up on Netflix we usually we have
cable boat we watch it I'm gonna say 20%
of the time there are so time we're
watching Netflix or YouTube videos
because all he watches is Egyptian shows
on YouTube and then we have our shows
that we watch together and then we have
shows that we watch separate on Netflix
but I'm kind of like ran out of
everything that I can really think of
and I like shows like I don't know if
you guys have ever heard of Heart of
Dixie it's on Netflix I don't know if
you've watched it you'll know what I'm
talking about if you haven't you should
watch it it's kind of like a
I don't really know how to describe it
but it's like a show that it's a small
town everybody knows everybody and I
love those type of shows like I'm all
into like the hallmark movies yes I know
because she doesshe but I love that type
of stuff and I always so only like when
I watch like the 1950s movies and 70s
and stuff hoping like I wish I was in
that era half time because it's just
like it's an awesome time it didn't seem
like the world was well it wasn't the
world was nothing like it is today and
so sometimes watching those kind of
movies it makes it nice but anyway so I
kind of like like that doesn't have to
be like a love story or anything in that
um but I'm kind of like one of those
that likes like that small-town icky
movies but not like the old-fashioned
cowboy movies it's not those put me to
sleep so yeah if you guys have any
suggestions I would love to hear them
because I am looking for some new show
slash movies but I really need like some
series to watch and also if anybody has
any mmm YouTube shows that you guys are
not shows but like YouTube channels that
you guys follow that you think it would
be something I would enjoy drop it in
the description arts yeah it is a train
Han it's going really slow which is
telling me that it's probably gonna be
coming to a stop good times
anyways I need like something that I can
watch I the things that I follow are I
follow I mean I kind of follow a little
bit of everything you know but roll your
window down it's called baby that's as
far as it can go honey
but I've been watching like
the same channels for a long time and I
love everyone I'm like I faithfully have
some that I watch religiously every
single night
and then I have some that you know I
check-in from here to there because
they're more of like the Cricut design
stuff so it's not really like vlogs you
know so it just shows whenever they put
them up or videos but I do have my vlogs
that i religiously watch but i would
love to add a few more to my nightly
watching because i've noticed
okay you guys okay i've noticed that um
anyways a lot of my channels that i have
been watching they're like not uploading
like they were and i don't know i don't
know if it's just that maybe they're
burnt out i don't know i don't know some
of them explained you know that they
were gonna slow down because of like
family dynamics have changed and things
have changed that they you know just
couldn't get the vlogs up as much and
they couldn't do the editing because i
mean i'll be the first to tell you
editing takes a long time it does it's
not hard but it can take time especially
if you have a longer vlog like some days
i have like an hour vlog so you guys
have to imagine how long i sit there
because sometimes those logs are like oh
my they could go for two hours if i
didn't edit everything out and I know
darn well nobody's gonna sit there for
two hours and watch me ramble
a million miles a minute I've been
trying to figure out like different ones
that you know so like if I'm not having
an upload from one of the ones that I
watch all the time I would love to have
a one that I can watch that you know so
there's something always on it would
just be nice but anyway so I'm just
coming to you guys and asking like is
there anything that you would is there
anything that you guys would suggest you
as the train is still going
is there anything my goodness if I can
even get this out if there's any
channels yeah that you guys would
recommend to watch drop them in my box
because I will take a look at them
because I really I'm missing vlogs and I
love logs of course I'm not going to sit
and watch myself cuz I already know what
my videos are but it's like God to the
point where it is like oh my gosh I have
nothing to watch I have nothing on my
shows I have nothing on my show so on TV
I have nothing on Netflix and all of my
channels that I normally watch they
haven't been uploading so I've been like
back on Facebook and stuff and I just I
don't really dig Facebook very much I
haven't really I mean cuz I just don't
have time like I was going there for a
while like before I started vlogging I
was on you Facebook like no joke all day
long all day long my phone was in my
hand reading people's comments reading
people's posts doing all this getting
involved in everything and then when I
started vlogging and life's just started
I just didn't have time like I really
didn't have time and yeah yeah so very
long trying to
and so I hadn't I was going like like a
good three four weeks without even
getting on Facebook and checking
anything and and so anyways then after
all of that when I get bored I'll go on
Facebook because there's nothing to do
and it's like I don't want to even have
time to go on Facebook I want to be too
busy to be on the base book so I need to
find stuff to fill my time and I'm
talking time like at night I'm out when
my kids are in bed otherwise if I'm
bored you best believe my happy but is
with my kids
oh all right let me just eat you anyways
I sorry I say 20 hours seven days a week
because I'll I'll give my husband that
he takes the kids a couple hours a day
but it's very far and in between two my
husband really get to take my kids
because and some people have asked
because again there's so many new
subscribers I am going to be putting
together a video hopefully within this
weekend I get to know me video again and
that's just kind of - like recap Who I
am what I'm about what my family is
about because I know that there's a lot
of new people and that video that I did
make in the past it's so far down it's
probably a hard one to fight
so I will share that with you guys but
for some of you that don't know my
husband does own a business and so it
takes him away from the the house a lot
and that's expected when you own your
own business just like my business takes
me away from the living room a lot
because I have to go we have to go to
daddy's want honey because I have to do
my vitalina at all is included in my
room and I told my husband last night
only I said you know I think I'm gonna
pull my stuff out my work stuff out and
I'll just set it at the table and I know
it's gonna be a little bit of a hassle
because I don't have to drag it in and
out but at least you know I'll have it
out here he's like for what like hi I
was like cool that way then I just feel
like you know you're not out here being
stuck with the kids all the time and
he's like all the time he's like I mean
you're with the kids all the time
and he's like I don't mind you being in
the room like I know you have to really
focus and pay attention he's like I'm
not at all upset if that's what you
think and I'm like no I just feel guilty
like you know because I'm in the room
and I'm working he's like honey it's
okay he's like I get it you know I just
told him I said I just feel guilty like
so I don't want people thinking that I'm
just like up and leaving my kids and
he's like first of all he's like honey
you're not up and leaving your kids like
you are an amazing mom he's like you're
with them all the time you're feeding
them you bathe them you do everything
for them you know and I am dad and I can
spend time with my kids and it doesn't
make you a bad mom because you are
taking a little bit of time for yourself
so to recap that whole comment about
setting my phone down or my camera down
my camera is my film setting my phone
down you know it's penny time with my
kids honestly I do I do
I spend a lot of time with my babies it
may not be seen on camera all the time
because I'm not always got my camera on
you know so sometimes you guys see more
days than others
but I will definitely yeah I will
definitely reassure you that my kids are
always with me always I go to the
bathroom
my kids are in the bathroom I take a
shower my kids are trying to climb into
the shower with me like it's constant so
yeah I'm with my babies all the time and
there are times where I'm just like get
out get out of this room I need a moment
to myself I need some sanity breathing
calm down relax for a moment and breathe
without somebody up my butt literally I
mean it's I love my babies and I love
being a mom but you know what all moms
no matter who you are they need a mental
break sometimes and I have that chance
because my husband is there and relieves
me so that I can and that's a lot of
times when I'll do my sit down and
walking or when I'm doing my closing I
always close without my kids around
because I like to recap my day and talk
to you guys for a few minutes as are I
have to rule that up with my ears I have
to you know I like to recap my day I
like to be able to talk to you guys and
share my thoughts and things and that is
time where I usually am having my down
time is in the evening when I go ahead
and I do my closing with you guys
yeah and so in all he's out in the
living room giving vitamins brushing
teeth and doing just the nightly routine
because I do all day routine but you
know that's his time that he spends with
the kids is doing vitamins and talking
to them and listening to their day and
things like that so anyways I am almost
to his lot so I am going to check off
for a minute that way yeah that way I
can see where he is at but I will check
with you guys a little bit I'm really
hoping when we get to Target that they
have those tumblers because if not I'm
gonna scream because honest to god I
really need I mean them so anyways I
hope you guys are having a great start
to your guys this morning hey I am
checking in oh my kids are fall just
woke up they all woke up they were
sleeping the whole time
what baby the silver cars oh did you
drop your cars down there
oh okay hold on just a minute okay she
has this thing as far as this thing
nobody can be called baby but her be
she's the baby and if I call her Ezra
she's like no baby anyways so we went to
Target and yes you're the baby girl um
and you're the baby boy anyways we went
to Target and I try to take back those
cups which they did take them back but
they didn't have any more so my idea
didn't work out the way I want it to
doesn't mean it can't work out I might
still be able to figure this out but it
might be a little bit different than I
thought it was gonna be but it's okay
good evening I am checking in you guys I
am so sorry it's been one of those one
of those days where it's just like when
is it gonna be a bad time not for my
kids because my kids have been actually
really good but you know you get those
days where you're just you feel like
almost defeated like you know what else
can just simply go wrong you know you
need everything to go right and it's
kind of where I'm at right now it's like
okay Amy just really needs to close this
day go to bed um I had a really good day
and I just actually got off the phone
with my mom and she was I don't even
know as most of you guys know some of
you do not but it's in some of my videos
I just closed off relationship with my
93 year old grandmother due to the fact
that she stayed with the man that
molested me when I was seven years old
and was going through healing and trauma
counseling and stuff that is just
something that I had to do in order to
make amends for myself you know and
validate myself because you know at the
end of the day the only person needs to
validate me as me for so long I looked
for everybody else in my life to
validate my story and to say that they
believed me and you know everything
would be okay and they had my back and
yada yada yada and it never happened
and because of that I had never I never
actually have ever really held I'm
cleaning up my space so I hope I never
were was able to move past my
molestation as a child because I always
was looking for validation and you know
what to be honest I wasn't gonna get it
no not from the people that I thought
would give it to me which is my family
and that's on my dad's side so anyways
and you know little back back up here my
father committed suicide when I was
eight months old so honestly I don't
have like memories with him I don't even
think I maybe have seen one picture in
37 years maybe one with my dad holding
me supposedly I was daddy's little
pumpkin and daddy's little cupcake and
all these things but it's kinda strange
when you don't ever see pictures of you
with father that claimed to be head over
heels for you anyways another series um
so finally this year going through my
trauma counseling and all of that I have
been working on you know validating ways
my validating my feelings but also
accepting what is never gonna probably
change
with that also being able to accept what
the future of my relationships are gonna
look like sorry I'm Cynthia natal to see
if it's not like probably no Co oh and
one of the things that you know through
my counseling was to kind of help with
some of my trauma healing was to write
letters to the people that pretty much
kind of aim dint of my life the most
affected in my life what's the most
hurtful pain and that happened about
months ago maybe three months ago I'm a
little off on dates just because time
has gone so fast that I literally feel
like things happen just yesterday and
really they happen like months ago but
anyways these things I wrote these
letters to my grandmother and my mother
and you know because my mom had a lot of
excuse making she did a lot of excuse
making and a lot of what do you want to
call I'm gonna say excuse making but
also a lot of just justification because
you know I think she felt a little bit
guilty in some senses because she was
incarcerated more my entire life she was
incarcerated almost 20 21 or 22 years
total and I'm 37 so that tells you she's
been incarcerated most my entire life
and so she was not there to protect me
from the things that happened to me but
there was also things that happened to
me while I was still in her care before
I was even taken from the state that she
had an absolutely no clue of and she
just found about those things just
recently when I wrote these letters to
her
and so with that once I wrote those
letters of like releasing that pain and
releasing the frustration of validation
and being able to validate myself in my
own story and not needing anybody else
to co-sign my my fillings and co-sign my
story I I successfully closed that door
with my grandmother and that my father
say the family because when I think of
them I think of a lot of hurt a lot of
pain I feel a lot of rejection
abandonment because they chose to
protect the man that molested me and
completely 100 percent throw me under
the bus and say that I was a liar and
they protected him all the way up until
a year and a half ago I want to say he
died and and then once he died I feel
like then it was time for them to start
having something to do with me that's
when I started seeing them coming around
that's when I seen them start sending
gifts and cards and money and all sorts
of things and so I kind of allowed it a
little bit even though in the back of my
mind back on my heart I I really it made
me so angry because I was like oh so now
I'm good enough you guys can now have
something to do with me because now he's
dead and you don't have to validate my
story and you don't have to you know you
you can cosign my story a little bit
more because he's not around so you
don't know how you're not gonna let him
down because he's gone so how is he he's
not gonna know any different
that's how I felt but I you know I
wanted those type of passive-aggressive
I will allow sorry I'm organizing while
I'm talking to you for a minute
so with that
um he passed and was the happiest day of
my life
nope not gonna lie that was I was
probably the happiest day of my life
that he died because I didn't have to
worry about running into him or fighting
that demon that I felt always on my
shoulders because I always had that on
the back of my mind that he's with them
and I'm not and they're my family I was
a minor
I should have been taken care of I
should have protected and so in that has
created so much anger but over the past
few months I have been really working
hard on that and with working hard on
that it was me writing letters to my mom
and my grandma telling them what
happened to me as a child telling them
you know that I am the truth that I have
told the truth I have nothing to lie
about and you know basically how dare
you treat me and call me I like a wire
you know how could you even live with
yourself how like what in your right
mind makes you think that you can get
away with believing what you've believed
and making me feel like I am the prepper
like that I'm the predator and so with
that we kind of you know I closed the
door with my grandmother I haven't
spoken to her for a couple of months I
made that very clear I do not want to
speak to her I don't want nothing to do
with her do not call my phone I've
blocked her I've blocked my whole family
on social media I mean I'm sure these
probably still watch my videos because
you know that's how they are but I I
have nothing more to say to any of them
well my mom told me today that my
grandmother called her today and I was
like okay like all right I don't know
why you think I care about all right um
because I really don't not care and so
my mom had called over there and so when
she called me just a little bit ago she
was like oh my gosh so I talked to
Grandma and I'm like oh
huh and she's like yeah she's like Amy
you know I just have to say that you
know I know she feels so bad about what
happened I'm like mm-hmm and she's like
you know I'm not so I'm not giving her
excuses but you know I just I think you
know she she believes you she believes
you okay so you're telling me after 30
years it's gonna take you calling her
for her to believe me like BS so I just
let my mom spill her you know her
whatever you want to call it preach or
whatever and I just let it go in one ear
and basically out the other because it
was really starting to piss me off
like really bad and I was trying to hold
my tongue because I'm just like okay I'm
gonna get into it just let it go Amy let
it go but then she jumps to this next
conversation she says well you know we
were talking and I think that it's a
good idea and that me and you me so her
and me um my brother whom I don't speak
to whom I don't have nothing to do with
for my own reasons that me her my
brother my cousin my other cousin my
grandmother and my aunt oh and my other
my cousin's husband all get together and
bring everything together that we have
of my father's that passed away when I
was 8 months old by killing himself now
please do not get me wrong I'm not
trying to be I'm not trying to be
uncompassionate for the ones that have
suffered from a family member
committing suicide I come from a long
long strand of family members that have
committed suicide I mean long I've had
my grandfather's cut you know committed
suicide my father committed suicide my
mother's husband committed suicide my
cousin's husband community I mean my
family honestly has a lot of family
whores have committed suicide so please
when I when I say this do not take
offense to
I'm not trying to be cold-hearted but
I'm talking in senses from my father
okay so there's a difference because I'm
speaking something totally opposite from
what you guys would be thinking but
anyways mind you I was only eight months
old when my father passed I have no
recollection of my dad I don't have any
memories of my dad and quite frankly I
have nothing like I don't grieve over my
dad and I don't feel oh that's a bad
thing because it's not my fault
I don't know him I've never known him
you know I was a baby so there he's dead
he chose to kill himself you know I'm
gonna say it right out of the box if he
wanted to be a true man he would have
fought for what he needed and he would
have been a father and he wouldn't have
left me my brother behind so that we
would have had a mother that was
incarcerated and us and surly you know
in the system and maybe I wouldn't have
been molested and raped as many times as
I was had my father straightened up and
got the help that he needed and did what
he need to do but that's on a whole
nother story so my mother thinks it's a
great idea to get everybody together
that I don't speak to okay to go over my
father's things and reminisce about him
and share stories with him and I said
and she goes and everybody's on board
everybody's on board the only ones I
haven't talked to is you and your
brother I'm like cool my well sorry to
bust your little bubble but I'm not
interested she was wood I said I'm not
interested I think I don't know why you
would think that I'm interested in that
she was like well you know Amy it's you
know part of your family and I said a
bolshie is bits I said first of all I
ain't gonna disrespect you cuz you're my
mom I said but I know you were really
really really really pissing me off
right now I was like because how dare
you first of all make plans with anybody
in my name and make it sound like I'm
gonna be totally cool with it because no
I'm not I said I hate these people with
everything that I have in me she goes
well I really think that you need to
deal with that hatred because you're
gonna be the only one that hurt
self no I'm not gonna hurt myself my
hatred I have it is a it's the hate that
I carry for them like I explained to her
I said here's the thing I said if you
had a daughter that was walking down the
road and she got raped by a man and got
pregnant and she decided to keep the
baby because the baby was part of hers
you don't hate the baby because the baby
is innocent he didn't the baby didn't
ask to be conceived the baby didn't ask
for his mother to be raped but it
happened but when you look at that baby
you're still full of hate because when
you look at that baby you see the
perpetrator you see the person because
the baby resembles that that is what I
am with them that is how the hate I have
for them because they protected this
bastard they took his side they did
everything they could to keep him from
getting in trouble when he should have
been in trouble he should have paid his
price he should have did what he needed
to do but because they allowed him to
they allowed him to basically walk free
shoot because they chose not to believe
him sorry I'm still cleaning so you're
seeing things being thrown behind me um
but because you know they are have
protected him he didn't get in trouble
he didn't have to pay a price you know
he paid a very long long painful death
and best believe me Oh bring it on
sucker bring it on you deserve every bit
of it and I do not feel bad for saying
that but for her to sit there and be
like oh well you need to get over the
you know the hate you need to get over
this and you need to know that who the
hell are you to tell me that I have to
get over anything when this is me this
happened to me where were you where were
they no one was there in my corner I was
in that ring match fighting for myself
at seven years old don't anybody come at
me and tell me first of all that I need
to get over anything don't ever come to
me and tell me that I need to get over
my my
my anger and my hatred and don't ever
think for two seconds that you're gonna
put me in another room with them don't
ever she knew I was mad she knew it she
was like you know I believe you Amy and
I you know I'm sorry I you know I you
know she didn't really have any words
because you know I used to never be this
type of a person you guys I never spoke
over myself I always allowed everybody
to dictate what my life was gonna be I
let everybody dictate how my life was
gonna go I let everybody say what they
wanted to say about me and I just went
along with it that's how I used to be
but since going through counseling and
since going through those journeys
starting in July I have become such a
total different person but not in a bad
way I hope that people don't see me as
oh my god like she's become a B no
that's not I've learned to stand out for
myself though and I've learned to say
you know what I have a voice I have a
mouth and I can very easily say no I
don't like that and you're not gonna do
that to me and if you don't like that
I'm sorry but there is a boundary there
and you're passing that boundary and I'm
not okay with it and so I just you know
I
I didn't mean to really like get on my
mom's case but I did and you know I just
I I told her I said well so you're
telling me that I said you're telling me
that it took 30 years 30 years for them
to come around now and say that they you
know that that in their voice they
believe me they didn't say it's
straightforward that they believe me to
her
but in her their voice she hears that
their remorse don't come at me with that
don't because what you're gonna do is
you're going to hinder her mind in your
relationship and she says well I'm not
protecting them I'm not protecting then
what are you doing what are you doing
because to me you are protecting them to
me I feel like you're not protecting
them but I feel like you know because
she's like well you know your
grandmother is 94 years old or 93 years
old and she's gonna be 94 in March a
nice I'm be 38 in August and every year
you get older what am I supposed to do
about that congratulate her because she
made it to 94 like I mean what
what if you're thinking I'm gonna be
like oh my god you don't know me you you
really don't know me because as far as
I'm concerned like I told her and I made
it very clear I will never for as long
as I am on this earth will I ever speak
to them again that chapter has been
closed my life has moved on the train
has went away and it's done
you're not going to try and put a family
together that will never be pieced
together don't ever try and hook me up
with family that I do not speak to first
of all don't put me in a room with my
brother because then we're just gonna
have a problem
second of all don't put me with people
that I probably would lose my
ever-loving mind if I was in a room with
them um
yeah don't step on me and don't
disrespect me and that's exactly how I
felt tonight so yeah that's where my
night went
so instead of closing my vlog I was on
the phone fighting with her well not
really fighting with her but I really
was kind of fighting with her because I
was putting her in her place and she's
like this to that and like I said not
many people are most people they just
know me as Oh
Amy isn't gonna say anything she's just
gonna go along with it
yeah you guys I've lost it okay but I've
had a wonderful evening I've been
working and doing so much stuff oh my
gosh you guys I'm so excited I made
something for one of you tubers she
asked if I'd make her something so I I
because see like this I don't like
throwing anything away like I told you
guys I know so I had like an extra heart
I didn't remember when I made that but
the extra heart I don't but oh it was
what I made my furry first cricket my
bag and then I think I remember telling
you guys this one I had cut an extra
sticker of that out so I was
I call I want to save it like I don't
want to go bad so I put him in here and
then these are for the placement
measurements so that way I know like my
measurements of how much each thing is
measure for towels and stuff like that
so I'll just put those in there too
um just comes easy oh and then I cut
extra lips you can't really see them but
extra you guys can kind of see them a
little bit right there
extra lips out of a shiny red for if I
need the lips for anything but yeah and
just I don't know I was just really a
little bit aggravated you know because I
was just like why you know that I don't
feel that that's fair to you know to do
that to me because I would never ever
ever do that to somebody else I would
never ever expect somebody to you know
put their feelings in the back and be
like oh well because I think it's a good
idea I think you need to get over it and
you need to go ahead and do this and you
know when she reconfirmed that she
wasn't telling me to get over it
but it's like well how am I supposed to
interpret that like I that's how I took
it was exactly that that you're telling
me that you think it's a good idea even
though I told you a long time ago that I
would not speak to these people again
you know if that chapter in that life
has moved on like I don't have anything
more to say to them I've said what I
need to say oh just like I wrote my mom
a letter you know at the same time you
know yeah I do still speak to my mom and
that's you know my choice but you know
there was a difference between she's my
mom and so I don't know I don't know
it's just it was a little frustrating
you know phone call but you know what I
I don't hold on to things like that I
move on because you know what I don't
have time to sit and meadow and that
type of stuff
I have too many things good going on my
life to worry about that way it was
enough that I wanted to vent to you guys
about it because I know most of you guys
are understanding about it you guys have
been on this journey with me with the
whole
letter-writing to all of them and what
all I've gone through and you know like
I said if you do not know what it is
there is a link the video down below or
actually I'll put it up in up here
somewhere a tad so you can go and look
at it but it's just a video about my
child abuse and what I went through as a
child and where I'm at today with the
healing of it and how I was at one time
and where I'm not no more because I
won't allow it like I just want to allow
that to control my life I just don't
have it just don't have the ability to
allow that anymore
so anyways I am going to close you guys
I want to finish up cleaning up my space
I need to get in my jammies and get
ready for bed the kids are probably
getting ready for bed too I hear them I
think they're taking their vitamins but
anyways I am so thankful you guys for
everyone of you though
you know I love having that ability to
come and feel so comfortable sharing my
story with you guys and being able to
vent to you when it comes to things like
this because just like I've told you
guys that this is an outlet for you guys
this is actually an outlet for me too
and I value so many of the encouragement
of words and the support that you guys
give me during these times when I do
have my moments where it's just like
what can I do next to make this
situation better or what words could
have I maybe said differently that I
didn't say or did I handle the situation
correctly or did I over you know did I
overreact or you know I mean I those are
things that I always come to you guys
and I always love and respect
everybody's opinions because everybody
has such amazing outputs when it comes
to different things everybody has walked
different different roads in their life
some have walked roads pretty identical
to mine and then others have not but you
know what everybody seems to have
something to add to
add to my learning that it has just made
me view life in such a different way
since joining this channel and being
able to say hey you know what you know
yeah I could have probably said this a
little bit differently or well you know
what everybody pretty much agrees so I
think what I did was okay and you know
and I know that there's a quite a few of
you guys out there that will put me
right in my place and I appreciate that
like I don't take that negatively I do
not take that personal in a bad way I
take that so personal because I feel
like you guys are taking your time to
tell me your true opinion and not tell
me what I want to hear but be like you
know what this is what I you know I
really think and you know biker babe is
one of the ones that you know you guys
sometimes will see her message and
sometimes you know majority of the time
she'll come straight to voice our to
email voicemail to email and she'll
email me if it's something really long
that she just fills us more private but
you know sometimes I think people take
what she says kind of like oh gosh kind
of differently but in reality honestly I
validate her so much and I appreciate
her because in so many ways more than
one she has grounded me in ways that I
didn't think about things or I didn't
see it in that aspect and so seeing it
from the outside and she will she is one
that she'll tell me but she doesn't tell
me in a mean way like she doesn't tell
me
I've never taken what she says personal
and if I have we've talked about it like
I'm like oh you know all right and then
she'll kind of I think see that she may
have hurt my feelings a little bit and
she'll come back and apologize and you
know when she'll reword it to where it's
not hurting my feelings but still
staying with what she said and so I so
appreciate her and I know she's goes
through a lot in her own personal life
but she still has time to follow my my
life and my journey and share with me
her thoughts and her values and I just
appreciate that and I want all of you
guys to feel the same way like I want
you guys to feel comfortable and tell me
you know the things that you see but you
don't remind remember that I am human
and remember that I'm doing everything
the best I can and I try to value
everybody and everybody's opinions
because everybody in their own
individual ways has the right to feel
the way they do but just remember that
when sometimes when your your custody
may be a judgement or casting a thought
across message maybe just sit back and
really think you know okay how can I say
this to where it's getting my point
across but maybe not coming back so
harsh because Amy is still a human you
know Amy still does have to live this
life and you guys I am trying so hard I
try so hard every day to wake up and to
be like I said before the best Amy that
I can be the best mom the best wife the
best friend the best youtuber the you
know the best vinyl maker I try to be
the best of everything and there are
days that I fall short and I feel bad on
those days because I don't take that
very lightly because I take everything I
do in such stride that it's not
acceptable for me to not push to the
very last minute but I also have to
remind myself Amy you're a human you
have a life you have things that you're
doing and you know you are doing the
best you can and as long as I go to bed
at night and when I close my eyes and I
ask myself did I complete everything
that I was trying to do today to the
best of my ability and if my answer is
yes then I know that I did what I was
supposed to do and if I answer oh I
could have probably did it better then
maybe I need of a reevaluate my day and
see where I could have done better so
the next day when I get up I can reach
her you know recharge it and redo it
again so I just again I am so so
grateful for each and every one of you
and I couldn't be more thankful and more
just overjoyed to have each of you guys
here with me so anywho I'm gonna clean
up the rest of my mess because I really
need to get ready for bed
not on that note I'm going to close this
vlog I hope you guys enjoyed I will
check in with you guys tomorrow bright
and shiny in the morning until then I'll
check in with you oh that was back wha
ah
retake I will check in with you guys
bright and shiny tomorrow morning until
then sweet dreams
